Shame

Day 4, Self-Talk

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (ESV)

              I stood at the podium in my new cream pant suit. My hair looked great. My smile showed brightly. And the sweet student who nominated me beamed with admiration. I spoke the words I’d written down for the speech but never heard a word. All I could hear was the voice in my head, If they only knew the real you, they wouldn’t be praising your name. You’re a disgrace.

              That year, I had finally created a perfect-for-me model classroom. Fast-paced, higher levels of thinking, student responsibilities, daily spiral review, small groups, center rotations, and constant engagement. I loved teaching math and filled my ninety-minute blocks to the brim with intentional activity. As a result of the classroom changes, one of my students nominated me for teacher of the year.

              On the outside, I looked like I had the world by the tail. What no one realized was I stayed so busy I had no time to look at the creeping sin that was slowly taking over my thoughts and private life. I served on committees at school, arrived early, and left late. Nights were filled with college classes and homework, working on my educational leadership degree. Church life was filled with yeses when anyone asked and my husband I lived more like roommates than a married couple.

              The better polished my outside world became, the greater the separation in my private world. I used my coursework as an excuse to stay up late and watch movies, videos, and shows that were sexually explicit. What began as an escape, became a regular occurrence. I knew it wasn’t feeding me good things. I also knew it wasn’t honoring to God. Or my husband. Because I continued feeding my mind this garbage, when I was going about my day-to-day life, the sin of lust grew. Lies happened more and more. I became self-absorbed and inconsiderate of others. Long-time friends pulled away. And I chased the glory and fame of the moment.

              But as I stood behind that podium, ready to receive recognition, all I felt was condemnation. Shame consumed me. I was a fraud.

              Secrets do that. Alcoholism. Hidden same sex attraction. Pornography. Drug addiction. Deep depression. Abusive relationships. Unwanted pregnancies. One night stands. Financial fraud. Inappropriate relationships. Lies. Unethical practices. Eventually, every one of these can lead us to a place of deep, dark, shame.  

              How do we break the cycle? Confession. Humility. Brokenness. Honesty. Sincerity. Willingness. And repentance. No more hiding. No more secrets. We must bring it into the light and seek the appropriate help and accountability to overcome the issues we have stifled. Everyone doesn’t have to know, but someone does; and that someone needs to hold us accountable and be willing to ask us the hard things. Everything changes or nothing changes, and we get sucked right back into the cycle of shame that robbed us in the first place.

Do the Heart Work

1.      What causes shame to rise up inside of your mind and heart?

2.      Do you have any secrets that need to be brought into the light? What’s holding you back?

3.      What would your life look like without those feelings of shame?

Digging Deeper

Read Luke 8:43-48 (ESV)

And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone.  She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased.  And Jesus said, “Who was it that touched me?” When all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!”  But Jesus said, “Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me.”  And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed.  And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.

This woman had been the object of ridicule and isolation for twelve years. The shame she must have felt. No doctors could heal her. Tired of living with that condition and desperate for healing, she took a chance and reached for the hem of his garment. Like the woman with the issue of blood, we too, need to reach a place of desperation in our shame, take a chance on being healed and reach out for a touch from Jesus.

If You Get Spare Time 

              Jesus is waiting for you to leave the trap of shame. Whatever keeps holding you there doesn’t have to be there forever. God is big enough to walk with you through the confession, rebuilding, and healing process. And there’s no sin so big he can’t forgive. But we must bring it to him and stop holding on so tightly. Are you ready for your healing?