The Instigator/Manipulator

Day 5

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. Proverbs 18:6 (ESV)

              Sidney was an only child. He performed well academically and in his mother’s eyes, he could do nothing wrong. Always wearing the best brand of clothes, coolest style of shoes, and touting the freshest hair style, he had the world by the tail.

              He followed the rules, was polite, and in the beginning, I wished for a whole class of Sidneys. But then kids came to me after class fussing. Sidney called me fat. Sidney said I was stupid. Sidney pushed me down at recess. Sidney, Sidney, Sidney.

              I pulled Sidney aside one day after class and talked. Without identifying other children, I talked to him about the accusations I was hearing on a daily basis. He looked at me with the most innocent, puppy dog eyes and responded, “Who me?”

              For a moment, I wanted to trust his face. But there were too many people from different friend groups who reported his actions for me to ignore them. I gave him a stern talking-to and made sure he knew if I got another report, I would call his mom.

              The next day, I caught him in the act of bullying another kid and into my office we marched. I talked to his mom and told her what had been going on. She wanted to talk to her son, so I handed him the phone while I monitored my classroom. He hung up the phone and went back to his teacher-pleasing position in the front of class.

              I’m not sure what transpired behind closed doors in that twenty four hours, but his mom demanded a parent teacher conference after school the next day. She told me that I was picking on her son and he had told her the truth about every situation. While she talked, he sat just out of her view with a satisfied grin aimed in my direction. This kid was a master manipulator, and his mama believed every word he said.

              For the rest of the year, Sidney played his manipulation game. I continued calling his mom and she kept believing I was targeting her child. Finally, I asked her to show up unannounced and sneak in the other teacher’s classroom into our joint hallway and watch. One Thursday afternoon I saw her in the hallway while I was teaching and walking through the classroom. She stood there for ten minutes. During that time, she caught him throwing, hitting, and aggravating other students when he saw me turn my back.

              Now, I know we all have different stances on discipline, but that mom pushed open the hallway door, walked over to her unassuming son, lifted him up by his arm and marched him to the front of the class. “Mrs. Adams, I’m so sorry. My son is an embarrassment and a liar. I promise you he won’t be causing any more problems. Sidney, apologize to your teacher.”

              Some kids are master instigators and manipulators. They know how to turn on the charm and perform like they are in a play. And they can make an entire classroom miserable in the process. They are never wrong, always the victim, and talk their way out of every consequence.

              Just like your class clowns, these kids are often seeking attention, from their peers and teacher. They’ve been allowed to behave badly with zero consequences and are singularly focused on themselves. As hard as it is, it’s important to confront the behaviors. But we also must figure out how to do it with respect, consistency, and love.

Do the Heart Work

1.      Who are your instigators and manipulators?

2.      What happens when you try to address and correct their behavior?

3.      Have you ever met an adult version of these students? What traits do they adopt as adults if their behavior goes unchecked?

Digging Deeper

Read 1 Samuel 1:1-11 (NIV)

  There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none. Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the LORD.

Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb. Because the LORD had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat.

Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the LORD’s house. In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly.

And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

This is a great example of why God instituted the one man one woman marriage model. Sharing a husband sounds awful, and this instance, proved devastating. Have you ever met someone like Peninnah? They always have something to say to get you riled up. Drama surrounds them and their “sweet” words always carry a hint of malice. How do you handle a person like this?

If You Get Spare Time

              Spend time in prayer for your class instigator. Ask God to show you how to help this student. Then ask God if there are any behaviors you exhibit in the classroom that could rile the students or ruffle their feathers. Be open to examining yourself and willing to change as necessary.