I'm the Problem

Day 1, Self-Talk

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 (ESV)

Mom and Dad are constantly fighting. Jeffrey is six. Every night he lays on his bed, ears covered with a pillow, hoping to muffle the hateful words they exchange. Night after night. Tears cover his teddy bear as he hugs him tightly trying to sleep. One night, he hears, “If it wasn’t for Jeffrey, I’d have left a long time ago. He’s the only reason I’m staying.”

While the parents know the issues are deeper than a child, all Jeffrey hears is that he is the problem. If it wasn’t for him, they wouldn’t fight all the time. If it wasn’t for him, they’d be happy. A truth is added to Jeffrey’s inner dialogue: The world is better off without me.

All through school, Jeffrey sneaks by under the radar. He tries to have friends, but never lets anyone close; no one will like the real Jeffrey. School work comes easy, but he always compares himself to others and comes up lacking. He sees the girls from afar but tells himself he’ll never have a chance with any of them, so he turns to pornography and self-gratification in the silence of his high school room.

 When Jeffrey does finally take a chance on dating after high school, he’s a full-blown porn addict. He’s never learned appropriate interactions with women, only what he’s seen from his family and people online. He focuses on the physical, not realizing that there is more to relationships. The relationship crashes and burns and he believes, once again, he’s the problem.

This happens again and again, which only further fuels the narrative in his mind: I’m never going to be enough. I’m the problem. No one will ever love me for me. I’m just wasted space. The world is better off without me.

Do we know any Jeffreys? Is he a kid in our classroom? Or maybe he is one of us?

Self-talk is a silent sabotager. Adults, children, and elderly folks all go through the motions of life attempting to perform according to social norms. Surface friendships, work acquaintances, and a host of internal lies make it easy to hide behind our self-protective masks. Our personal truths, that began forming during childhood, shape us. The personal truths drive us and dictate how we conduct our lives. Unless the Jeffreys are personally known, others may never know the deep lies they believe.

Teachers can be Jeffreys too. We can get caught in the constant comparison trap of belittling our abilities. And we can stay so beaten down that we can no longer see the good around us, only the negative, always thinking we are the problem and we’ll never measure up.

So how do we correct this? We must find a trustworthy God-honoring friend who we can confide in. Bringing light into the dark recesses of our mind is critical. Once we admit our untruth, we then seek to find God’s actual truth to replace that lie with. Then we place that roadblock of truth in our mind. Every time our self-talk swings to unrealities, we say no, that’s not the truth. God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139), that I am his masterpiece created to do good things in God’s kingdom (Ephesians 2). We also stay in close connection with our friend who will remind us of God’s truth, pray with and for us, and walk with us in God’s truth.

Do the Heart Work

1.      If you identify with Jeffrey and have never confronted the lies, where will you start?

2.      What does negative self-talk do if we never confront it?

3.      What verses from scripture can we use to help the Jeffreys in our world?

Digging Deeper

Read the following verses and think about how they relate to pleasing people versus being authentic.

1.      For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 (ESV)

2.      But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 1 Peter 2:9 (ESV)

3.      Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV) 

4.      For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)

5.      For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. Galatians 3:26 (ESV)

The list of scriptures could go on and on. The big reality: God loves us. Each of us. All of us. Choose one of these scriptures or look for others that can be placed at roadblocks when the lies are stronger than the truth in our minds.

If You Get Spare Time 

              Maybe the lies you believe aren’t like Jeffrey’s, but they are still crippling. Take time this week to identify any lies you’ve believed. Search deeply and ask God to show you why those lies have stayed prominently positioned for so long. Then work on an action plan to place roadblocks to keep the lies from remaining.