Love and Sense of Belonging Need

Day 3, Maslow

Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God. Romans 15:7 (ESV)

              Elise was thirteen in fourth grade. Her parents did not speak English, and they had not enrolled Elise in school until she was eight years old. She could read simple passages and perform basic math, but her overall academic performance was below average in all subjects.

              Because of her age, it was hard for her to find commonalities with the other girls. She had already developed hormonally and the eighth-grade boys on the bus noticed her. Even though she spoke English better than her family, there were times when she couldn’t comprehend instructions or conversations between others, so she kept to herself most of the time.

              Halfway through the school year, the teasing began. One of the older boys in my class knew she had a boyfriend who was less than reputable and he started calling her inappropriate names. At first, I didn’t know what was happening, I only saw Elise wiping tears upon arrival and then again after lunch or special area. Thankfully another girl in class told me what was happening so I could intervene. But even when I put a stop to it, the words were already planted in Elise’s mind and the chasm between her and her classmates grew even greater. A sadness always hung on her no matter what.

              When we don’t belong, it affects every part of us. If we have no one to give affection to or receive affection from, there’s a piece of our life that keeps a hole in it. Some form of healthy attachment is what we yearn for, and according to some scientists, it’s something we need to function normally.

              Oxytocin is a chemical that is produced when humans function in safe, healthy ways with other humans and it’s responsible for lowering stress and creating our ability to bond with others. This chemical is produced when there is a bond or attachment that occurs. When caregivers offer consistency, safety, security, acceptance and support, healthy or secure attachments begin to form in a child’s life at an early age. But if the caregiver offers conditions to their love, is inconsistent, and the child does not experience safety, they begin to develop an anxious attachment style. We see the result of this when adults are untrusting, defensive, have extreme fear of rejection, lack trust, or run from commitment. They did not have healthy attachment as children, and this propels them into insecure, broken adults.

              Elise developed anxious attachments to her family and others around her. She shut off her emotions and built high emotional walls to keep from being hurt even more. This sounds like some of us adults, doesn’t it? When we are hurt by others enough times, we build walls so we don’t get hurt again. While we are protected in the moment, we are closing the door to finding healthy, trust-filled friendships, which according to Maslow, is a huge need for all of us. When we don’t have a safe place of belonging, we aren’t whole. Just like Elise.

Reference: https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/oxytocin-and-attachment/      

Do the Heart Work

1.      Do you have kids who remind you of Elise? How can you help these students?

2.      Do you belong? Or have you chosen to build up your emotional walls and remain isolated? Why?

3.      God says we are chosen and loved by him and we are a part of his family. How does knowing this truth impact your life?

Digging Deeper

Read Luke 19:1-10 (NIV)

Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.

All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner.”

But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, “Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”

Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham.  For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.

Zaccheus wrestled with his sense of belonging. He was a tax collector, hated by the Jews, but he longed to see who this man named Jesus was. Instead of shunning him, Jesus affirmed him. Sometimes welcoming others into our lives or vice versa is the game-changer. Zaccheus’ life was never the same.

If You Get Spare Time 

              Take a look at your closest relationships, not just romantic ones, but also family and friends. Examine each one and ask yourself whether you feel truly seen and loved by the other person or if you are constantly waiting for the next attack or heartbreak.

Now think about your relationship with God. Do you really trust him? Or are you struggling with a past perception that is keeping you from drawing closer to him?