Responsibility - Whose Is It Anyway?
by Barbara Ann Rossi
Scene 1: Something looks amiss at home- your once orderly rooms are now strewn all over with a trail of backpacks, jackets and lunch boxes. You check your watch. 3:30. School is out for the day but the owners of the items on the floor are no where to be found… So reluctantly you pick up after them, thinking it is better than struggling to get them to pick up after themselves…
Does this scene look familiar to you?
I’ve never met a parent who doesn’t believe that responsibility is one of the most important traits to be developed in their children. So how do we best guide them into developing this quality?
In working with families over the past twenty years, I’ve noticed an unwilling reluctance in parents to have their children become truly accountable in helping keep an orderly household. Perhaps this has to do with the tremendous opportunities for “ blessing” our children with so much “stuff” and so many activities. This “blessing” can cause much stress in families if it is not balanced with the idea of being a good steward of all of these blessings!
Children will not leave home at eighteen and suddenly learn how to be a responsible citizen. Recognize it or not, responsibility starts very early when toddlers are guided into putting away their toys. Or when a pre-schooler helps put away the laundry. If taught correctly, by the time children are in their elementary years they can be counted on to participate in cooking, cleaning, taking care of pets, organizing their personal space, etc… WITHOUT THE ATTITUDE!
The first thing to look at is how we are personally demonstrating responsibility in our lives, especially at home. Our children receive messages from us twenty four hours a day. This means that OUR attitude about our own responsibilities has a major impact on how our children will see theirs.
Ask yourself:
1. Am I clear about what I am responsible for?
2. Am I content with what I am responsible for in the household?
3. Is my partner/other adults clear about what they are responsible for?
4. What is MY overall attitude about my responsibilities? Am I positive or negative?
Next, create a home environment where your children are engaged in the daily activities of running a household. The greatest way to facilitate this is to have weekly family meetings where each member discusses what they are accountable for (dishes, laundry, recycling, driving, cleaning, etc.). Parents should demonstrate exactly what is expected of each child. For example, cleaning the hamster cage looks different to children than to adults. An adult may have to demonstrate what is expected, so there is a unified picture of what a “clean” cage looks like or what a “clean” kitchen looks like. This takes teamwork, and your family is the greatest team you can ever play on!
All this builds tremendous confidence and self-esteem in your children. They’ll feel like a valued member of the household. They’ll learn how their contribution empowers the entire family. They’ll learn that they are capable, dependable and trustworthy. And they will take these self-concepts and build upon them in the larger community.
Becoming a contributing member of society starts with contributing at home. Period. The family unit is the best place for our children to learn the foundational lessons of life. And as each child is different, you will discover different ways to work with them in creating a team atmosphere. It’s like being a manager in the “small office of life” – understanding everyone’s strengths and weaknesses and being able to create an everyone-wins environment!
So if you’re feeling stressed because your children are creating more housework for you, ask yourself why you’re allowing this to occur. The way you parent starts with your parenting belief system. Look at what limiting beliefs you may have that may be causing you to experience a stressful home life. Perhaps you believe that asking your child to participate in household activities “takes away” from their childhood. What kind of household would be created with this kind of idea. So, as you rid yourself of those limiting beliefs and create new and empowering ones, you can then create a home environment where each family member can thrive.
Tips to Encourage Responsible behavior